One Thing at a Time

Lately, I've been a ping-pong ball - absolutely bouncing off the walls!  Let me qualify that.  I, myself, physically, am NOT bouncing off the walls whatsoever, seeing as I have been working through a horrendous three-week cold.  However, my heart is.  Not my physical heart, either - I'm not talking about SVT (although the metaphor seems to fit, oddly enough).  I'm talking about my soul.

I've blogged about dreams before, of a plan, a purpose.  Those dreams seem closer and more alive than ever.  There is so much I have been blessed with, so many ways to glorify God with what I have recieved.  My heart is constantly racing from idea to idea, asking What about this, God?  I could do that!  Did you allow that to happen to me so I could do this?  Do you want me to do that, God? While all of these dreams are noble, worthwhile pursuits, most of them are not things that God has called me to yet.  Have you ever dreamed of doing something you know you were cut out for - it seems your whole life has been preparing you for it?  That's how I feel, but God hasn't called me to that at this point.  Hmmm.  Yet.  That is the word that soothes my anxious heart.  Both God and I know that, obviously, I am not ready and this is not the time.  (Now I'm struggling not to use the word "yet" haha.)

"Where you go, I'll go, where you stay, I'll stay, when you move, I'll move, I will follow you."  I love this song so much!  It was the theme song last summer at Camp Berachah when I was a CIT (counselor-in-training).  If you have never been in a room surrounded by over a hundred kids worshipping the Lord with all their hearts... it's just wow!  I don't know what to say.  I've never experienced anything like it.  The Spirit is alive and moving.  That's for sure!  Anyway, I've been realizing, recently, how important the "stay" part - waiting - is.  It's so exhilirating and scary and awesome to be called by God to move and to answer the call, saying "Yes, God!  I'll move with You.  I will go where You go"!  In the midst of moving, though, God tells me to wait.  How frustrating is that?  "Yes!  I'll go!  I'm so excited!  You want to use me!  Wait.  Did I hear that right?  Wait?  Really?  Now?  Can't we just go?  I thought we were moving!"  In a way, staying is more difficult than moving.  God often calls us to do the opposite of what we think we want to do - it helps us grow.  When we want to stay and He asks us to move, it takes courage and we have to learn to trust Him.  When we want to move and He asks us to stay, we have to learn to wait on Him, to depend on Him and only Him.

I've been musing a lot about callings.  How does one distinguish between something he or she desires and something God has called that person to?  It took me awhile, but now that I read the question put this way, it seems embarassingly obvious.  When I think about something I want to do (that I haven't necessarily been called to do), all the reasons why I should begin with "I" or center around me.  Conversely, when God calls me to do something, the reasons why I should begin with and center around God and what He wants.  Sometimes when you're called by God, this crazy thing happens - you have an insatiable desire to do something you... don't really want to do.  Well, something you wouldn't normally want to do, anyway.  I couldn't pinpoint when it happens, but this lack of desire doesn't matter at all because you're on fire!  You hardly give a thought to things you would most likely never do if left to your own desires. 

Back to moving and waiting.  Waiting is hard!  I expected a run, like a cross country race, but God seems to have a series of sprints planned for me, instead.  Now I need to learn to wait.  Peacefully.  In the quiet.  Yet in waiting, there is also moving - pursuing God as He pursues me.  While I wait, I pray that God will mold my heart to be like His and that He will make His will become mine.  I need to surrender (aha!) my dreams and desires, my anxiety and restlesness.  Only then can I move with Him with the same purpose, for the same reasons.  Make my heart like yours, God. 

And about that ping-pong ball... I am confident that feeling will fade as I learn to rest while I wait.  I think part of it is my stubborness, an unwilligness to be patient.  "If I can't move this way, I'll dream up some other way to move!"  While God asks me to wait, I try to move ahead of him.  Big surprise: it doesn't work!  Sometimes, He courteously acknowledges a question with "not yet" or "someday", but, most of the time, He is silent, which works really well.  It makes me wake up and realize I can't move with Him unless He's moving.  Ummm duh.  Thank you, God, for being so patient and understanding when I am not! 

Wait.  Trust.  Quiet.  Pursue.  Hush.  Surrender.  Even writing this post, sorting it all out, I can feel my heart drawing closer to His.

"One thing at a time, love," He says.  I think I'm starting to understand.