His Story, Not Mine

Often, life seems like a mess of tangled yarn. There are many threads running through my days. Many lessons, many events, many feelings, dreams, ideas. But... every once in awhile, the threads pull taut and everything is put in order. All that seemed random and unrelated suddenly collides and makes sense and I see. I see my life. I see the One who speaks and orders my days and guides my footsteps. He opens my eyes and I see clearly. My mind, and I understand. April 17th was one such day. It happened quietly, softly.

April 17, 2013

I'm sitting up above the ocean. Doors locked, windows sealed tight, the sound of its rolling waves still reaches my ears clearly. I used to go down to the ocean. I used to walk in and feel cold silk as it murmured against my legs. Why am I up here?I see the place I have often gone - in storms, in the sunshine, at sunset, early on Christmas morning.  Part of me longs to be there, to surrender. But I am stubborn and self-centered and I hold myself back. I don't want to get my feet wet. I don't want to be cold. I don't want to get in trouble for tracking sand into the house. That's it. Before Africa, when I came back, I chose to surrender as fully as I knew how. When did I change? Why? It seems I care more about my own comfort and others' opinions than my Reason for living. That simply should not be.

A train rumbles by between my locked doors and the ocean. It shakes the ground, making a mighty noise and blowing its whistle. But you know what? If I listen closely, I can still faintly hear the rolling waves. I can see them. They still call my name. A train and the ocean get in a fight. Who wins? Yes, that's right. The ocean. Even though the train looks unsurpassable in power, the ocean would swallow it whole and it would rust in the depths.  No matter how hard it pounds the waters, it can't hurt the ocean. The train obscures my view of the ocean, but it's right there. Always. The ocean is a constant reality. It moves, but it doesn't move. It will always be right here, until this earth passes away.

So what does one do when she realizes she is holding herself back like a child keeping a lollipop out of her brother's reach? She gets down on her face and thanks her Father for His grace and asks that He would change her heart and give her the will and the courage to let go. Let go. Death grip relaxed. Hands open. Let it go. He knows how to care for your fragile heart. He is more than enough. He whispers love to my soul.

The existence, character, and importance of the ocean becomes harder and harder to deny or distort. Over time not only does the sound of the waves pass through these walls, but the smell of the salty air slowly seeps in. The air within the walls cools to match that which lies outside. It is impossible to remain unchanged in His presence.

I drove home and, on a whim, decided to check the mailbox although I was certain someone would have picked the mail up much earlier. I was waiting for a letter. A letter to affirm my path and cement my plans. No one had picked the mail up, it was still there. I picked up the stack and casually flipped through it. There it was, right in the middle. Moody Bible Institute. Emily Hall. I hadn't really expected it to be there. I thought I would have to wait until I got home from my weekend choir trip. Down the driveway, into the garage. The moment of truth.  I was fully aware that I might not have been admitted. Happy, but nervous, I opened it. As I read, the first thing I noticed was that the letter didn't begin the way acceptance letters usually do, with a big "Congratulations! Welcome to _____! You're a _____! We can't wait to see you on campus!" Nope. None of that. But it didn't sound like a rejection letter, either. There it was. The black ink congratulated me on my acceptance to Moody. But... there was no more space in Chicago. I could either go to the Spokane campus or do 1+3 FYOP (First Year Online Program). If I went to Spokane, I could reapply to Chicago after my first year. With 1+3 FYOP, I would complete my first year online and then I would be guaranteed transfer to Chicago for the next three years.

The world stopped. I wasn't crushed, but I didn't understand what had just happened. I expected something nice and neat. Acceptance or rejection. Yes or no. Clean, easy, final. Apparently, that wasn't the plan.

"I'm not going to Chicago." Disappointment started to creep in. And then I laughed. Oh Lord. You never cease to amaze me. No conversation with You is random or irrelevant or inapplicable. "Surrender. Do you believe I am who I say I am? Do you believe I love you? Do you believe I have a plan and  that I have led you here?" He's asking me if I will trust Him even when His plan isn't exactly what I expected, not exactly what I wanted. "I have not changed. My plan for you has not changed. I just want to lead you on a bit of a different route. I know you didn't expect this, but I knew all along. Will you trust me, little one?"

In Africa, my sisters and I often spoke of dangerous prayers - praying for things like patience and faith and boldness. These prayers are "dangerous" because He answers by giving us opportunities to be patient, to exercise faith, to step out boldly. These situations are not easy or even necessarily safe by the world's standards sometimes. That is why we pray for these things - to be able to glorify God in the hard places. Dangerous prayers are so good. We grow, we cut down fear, we see lives change because God gave us opportunities, the desire, and the strength to choose the hard options, practicing what we prayed for. On April 17th, up above the ocean, I prayed for the courage to let go, to surrender. Not ten minutes later, He placed an opportunity right in my lap. Literally. Oh Daddy.

I am not disappointed. I am not crushed. My world has not been turned upside down. My idea of what my life should be has not been ripped to shreds. This is not what I expected but... you know what? I'm okay with that. I am glad I have this opportunity to say "I trust You", to surrender, to be obedient, to do these things and not just say them. To demonstrate that I mean what I say.

I see my life up to this point, a jumble, a mess, and so many things make sense. I see struggle and faith and fear and lessons learned and Africa and Mexico and conversations and tears and plans, and they have all collided and fallen into line, everything orchestrated by the Most High God, the One who sees me. Last year, I wasn't ready for wherever I am going, but last year prepared me for this year and I am more ready than I was before. If we wait until we feel qualified and ready, we'll never get anywhere or do anything. If we choose to follow Him and take the first step in faith, He is faithful to lead us and prepare us on the way.

I have chosen to be a part of 1+3 FYOP. I see so many good things I believe He has in store for this year. I have so many things to experience, many more lessons to learn, and He knows this is the best way.  Lead me where You will, Lord.  This is not my story.  It's Yours.

This is the year for trust and surrender and belief. This is the year to rise up, Faithfull. For you know He who called is faithful and He will finish it.

Purpose in Pain

Pain. It's something every one of us experiences and no one genuinely enjoys.  There are countless circumstances that cause us pain. Maybe you're in pain because of a medical condition or an accident. Maybe you've been hurt emotionally by your church, your family, your friends. Maybe you're going through a divorce or have lost a family member. Would you choose pain if you had the option of living a completely pain-free life? My immediate reaction is "Absolutely not! Are you kidding? You'd have to be crazy to choose pain!". 

In November, I rededicated my life to Christ and, as I seek Him, He has revealed a lot to me about the pain that had been slowly strangling me. I felt betrayed, rejected, abandoned, unloved, alone,  dirty, desperate, hopeless for years and I kept my mouth shut because the devil trapped me in overwhelming fear of how people would react if I dared to bare my heart. I was confused and lost, wandering down a very dark path, suffering from depression and eventually seriously considering taking my own life.

Throughout all of that, I asked a lot of questions like "Why is this happening? Where is God? Doesn't He care? Have I been believing a lie? Because it seems to me that God either isn't good or doesn't exist". I couldn't answer any of those at the time, but now God had healed my broken heart and given me new perspective.

Pain helps us grow. The old cliché is "Pain makes you stronger", but first it makes you weaker. It destroys you. When I hit rock bottom, I couldn't save myself - I needed a savior. Christ rescued and redeemed me. All of the sudden, I had a very real understanding of the power, grace, and love of God. Jesus Christ became my everything because I knew that without Him I had nothing. When I think about saving grace, I don't just have a vague picture of Jesus dying on the cross  to save me from my sins so I can spend eternity with Him, I remember how He came down into my darkness and rescued me from the closest thing to hell I know. I feel the heartbreak, I know the incredible joy and peace. Would I be so in love with God if I had been spared the pain? Well, would a perfect person with a perfect life need a savior?

We experience pain because we live in a fallen world. Our own sins and the sins of every human to ever walk the earth cause pain. Humans lie, cheat, steal, kill, humiliate, reject, fail to love. Sin and pain are inseparable. God would have to do away with sin to eradicate pain, but sin is the expression of our free will - the choice God gives us to choose or reject Him. After death, followers of Christ will live forever with God in heaven, where there is no pain because there isn't any sin.  "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Revelation 21:4) Jesus paid the price on the cross to defeat sin and pain once and for all, but we still have to choose Him. God would never force Himself on us - that's not a relationship. He wants each of us to have an intimate relationship with Him, to love Him with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength as He loves us.

Have you ever felt that God doesn't understand your pain? It's easy to say, but it's not true in the slightest. When Jesus died on the cross, he took on not only the sins of the world, but all the pain that goes with it as well. Take your pain and multiply it by 7 billion and you'll have a better idea of what Jesus suffered.  Still, that's only an approximate of the living human population! Billions more have walked the earth before us and perhaps billions more will come after us depending on when Jesus comes back. Yeah, I'm pretty sure God understands my pain. Actually, it's amazing that He cares about me and my tiny drop in the ocean of pain at all.

God loves each of us beyond our comprehension.  As I look back on those hard years, I see that He never left for a moment. He was always there whispering, nudging, using people to lead me back home. I was just too blinded by fear and lies to see it until later. God has used my pain to give me understanding, perspective, love, and empathy. God has a purpose for the pain each of us endures.  Paul says in Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." He makes beautiful things out of us.  I pray that you will surrender to God and let Him meet you in the pain you hold inside to bring comfort, joy, and healing into your life. He is the great Redeemer, Rescuer, and Restorer.

I choose to surrender, "to know the lasting joy, even sharing in [His] pain".              

One Thing at a Time

Lately, I've been a ping-pong ball - absolutely bouncing off the walls!  Let me qualify that.  I, myself, physically, am NOT bouncing off the walls whatsoever, seeing as I have been working through a horrendous three-week cold.  However, my heart is.  Not my physical heart, either - I'm not talking about SVT (although the metaphor seems to fit, oddly enough).  I'm talking about my soul.

I've blogged about dreams before, of a plan, a purpose.  Those dreams seem closer and more alive than ever.  There is so much I have been blessed with, so many ways to glorify God with what I have recieved.  My heart is constantly racing from idea to idea, asking What about this, God?  I could do that!  Did you allow that to happen to me so I could do this?  Do you want me to do that, God? While all of these dreams are noble, worthwhile pursuits, most of them are not things that God has called me to yet.  Have you ever dreamed of doing something you know you were cut out for - it seems your whole life has been preparing you for it?  That's how I feel, but God hasn't called me to that at this point.  Hmmm.  Yet.  That is the word that soothes my anxious heart.  Both God and I know that, obviously, I am not ready and this is not the time.  (Now I'm struggling not to use the word "yet" haha.)

"Where you go, I'll go, where you stay, I'll stay, when you move, I'll move, I will follow you."  I love this song so much!  It was the theme song last summer at Camp Berachah when I was a CIT (counselor-in-training).  If you have never been in a room surrounded by over a hundred kids worshipping the Lord with all their hearts... it's just wow!  I don't know what to say.  I've never experienced anything like it.  The Spirit is alive and moving.  That's for sure!  Anyway, I've been realizing, recently, how important the "stay" part - waiting - is.  It's so exhilirating and scary and awesome to be called by God to move and to answer the call, saying "Yes, God!  I'll move with You.  I will go where You go"!  In the midst of moving, though, God tells me to wait.  How frustrating is that?  "Yes!  I'll go!  I'm so excited!  You want to use me!  Wait.  Did I hear that right?  Wait?  Really?  Now?  Can't we just go?  I thought we were moving!"  In a way, staying is more difficult than moving.  God often calls us to do the opposite of what we think we want to do - it helps us grow.  When we want to stay and He asks us to move, it takes courage and we have to learn to trust Him.  When we want to move and He asks us to stay, we have to learn to wait on Him, to depend on Him and only Him.

I've been musing a lot about callings.  How does one distinguish between something he or she desires and something God has called that person to?  It took me awhile, but now that I read the question put this way, it seems embarassingly obvious.  When I think about something I want to do (that I haven't necessarily been called to do), all the reasons why I should begin with "I" or center around me.  Conversely, when God calls me to do something, the reasons why I should begin with and center around God and what He wants.  Sometimes when you're called by God, this crazy thing happens - you have an insatiable desire to do something you... don't really want to do.  Well, something you wouldn't normally want to do, anyway.  I couldn't pinpoint when it happens, but this lack of desire doesn't matter at all because you're on fire!  You hardly give a thought to things you would most likely never do if left to your own desires. 

Back to moving and waiting.  Waiting is hard!  I expected a run, like a cross country race, but God seems to have a series of sprints planned for me, instead.  Now I need to learn to wait.  Peacefully.  In the quiet.  Yet in waiting, there is also moving - pursuing God as He pursues me.  While I wait, I pray that God will mold my heart to be like His and that He will make His will become mine.  I need to surrender (aha!) my dreams and desires, my anxiety and restlesness.  Only then can I move with Him with the same purpose, for the same reasons.  Make my heart like yours, God. 

And about that ping-pong ball... I am confident that feeling will fade as I learn to rest while I wait.  I think part of it is my stubborness, an unwilligness to be patient.  "If I can't move this way, I'll dream up some other way to move!"  While God asks me to wait, I try to move ahead of him.  Big surprise: it doesn't work!  Sometimes, He courteously acknowledges a question with "not yet" or "someday", but, most of the time, He is silent, which works really well.  It makes me wake up and realize I can't move with Him unless He's moving.  Ummm duh.  Thank you, God, for being so patient and understanding when I am not! 

Wait.  Trust.  Quiet.  Pursue.  Hush.  Surrender.  Even writing this post, sorting it all out, I can feel my heart drawing closer to His.

"One thing at a time, love," He says.  I think I'm starting to understand.

One Word: Surrender

Every year, a community of people choose one word each to focus on for the entire year in lieu of making a list of resolutions.  Choosing one word makes it easier to stay focused.  The cool thing about choosing one word is the opportunity to explore it for a whole year, looking at it from different angles, acting on it, and watching it become manifested in your life.       

I'm a little late to the game.  This is my first official year of choosing one word to seek out and strive toward - but it almost didn't happen.  I'm bad at resolutions.  That doesn't really make sense (there seems to be a verb missing), but it's true.  It's not necessarily keeping them or remembering them that is hard - although those may be contributing factors - I'm horrible at coming up with things to resolve.  I make resolutions all year long and then, the one time of the year society dictates I am "supposed" to make resolutions, nothing comes to mind.  Either that or they are silly, insignificant things that I immediately toss.  Well then, this one word thing sounded pretty good to me, so I decided to try it after a few years of reading about other people's words and their experiences.  So, I asked God for a word - what He wanted me to strive after, how He wanted to mold me, what He wanted to show me about myself, about the world, about Himself.  And... wait.  ... wait.  ... wait... ... Okay.

 My word is(!): ________


Nothing.  Nothing came to mind.  Well, not exactly nothing.  I had an overwhelming amount of desires and goals for how I want to grow in Christ, but I couldn't describe half of that in four hundred pages.  One word?  You've gotta be kidding me.  "I'm waiting, God..." 

Let me tell you something about me and patience.  I thought I was patient.  I really, honestly did, months ago.  God has been showing me in the last few months that I am not patient.  Patience in no way describes me.  I have trouble waiting for many things, especially answers, most especially answers from God.  When I'm waiting for something, I become extremely restless.  I pace.  I tap my fingers.  I can't do anything until what I am waiting for appears.  When I'm waiting for an email, I refresh my email at least ten times every hour, fairly often, once a minute.  Yes, I do realize none of this helps but... !!!!!! That's all.       

I'm actually surprised now that God didn't give me the word patience.  It's probably because He knows I'm already thinking about it all the time, now.  I wonder why I didn't think of it myself...

After almost a week of waiting, I was... tired of waiting.  It really wasn't that important to me and I was tired of spending time thinking about it and praying about it, so I gave up.  Yup.  "Fine.  If you're not going to give me a word, I guess I just won't do this one word 365 thing.  I don't really care anyway." Bad attitude :P

Guess what?  I am doing one word 365 because, today, He gave me a word.  "Why did You have to take so long? Would it really have been so bad to give me a word right when I asked for it?" "Weird," I thought, wondering why it came so randomly after I stopped caring.  "Cool".  Maybe He thought I needed to defy cultural standards.  However, it is definitely about patience.  "Right now" is exactly the problem.  I need to be willing to wait however long it takes with peace that God knows what I need and will give it to me in his perfect timing.

So.  Here we go again.

My word for 2012 is surrender.

This year, I want to:

Surrender my life
Surrender my desires
Surrender my hopes
Surrender my time
Surrender school
Surrender my relationships
Surrender my doubts
Surrender my fears
Surrender each moment
Surrender everything that centers around "I" or includes "right now"
Surrender to a love I can hardly begin to imagine
Surrender to a God I want to know more and more
Surrender to His perfect plan for my life, leaving all other things behind

What I really like about One Word 365 is I don't have to know exactly what this word will mean for my life this year, exactly how I want to change.  God can show me new things through this word all year - how He wants me to change, what He wants me to learn.  It's amazing how many aspects one word can have.  Reading other people's posts about the word they chose, I was often surprised by what that word meant to them because I was thinking about it in a completely different way. 


If you could choose one word to focus on this year,
what would it be?


Happy (late) New Year!  I'm excited to see what God has planned for my life and each of yours, and what He wants to show me about surrendering this year!